The Relationship That Changes Everything: Learning to Trust Yourself
- Dr. Valerie Steele
- Jun 17
- 5 min read
(And Why Self-Trust May Be the Missing Foundation Beneath Everything Else)
For High-Achieving Mothers Learning to Lead Themselves with More Compassion and Confidence
Many high-achieving women spend years becoming someone everyone else can count on while quietly losing trust in themselves. We become reliable for others but critical of ourselves. We push through, overcommit, second-guess, and assume future us will somehow handle what present us cannot.
Self-trust is not something you either have or don’t have, it is something you build intentionally through the relationship you create with yourself over time.
Who do you trust the most?
Who do you know has your back and will be there to support you regardless of the situation?
Who gently guides you, comforts you, and helps you become who you want to be?
If you’re lucky, a friend, family member, coach, or mentor came to mind.
But what if you could count on yourself with that same certainty?
What if you trusted yourself to show up for your own life with compassion, steadiness, and follow-through?
Because the truth is, you can build this kind of relationship.
And it exists between three versions of you:
Your past self.
Your current self.
Your future self.
Most of us are unintentionally breaking trust with ourselves across all three.
Where Self-Trust Breaks Down
We look at our past self with judgment.
We criticize her decisions.
We replay what she should have done differently.
We experience our current self with pressure and criticism.
“I should be more patient.”
“More efficient.”
“More calm.”
“More productive.”
Sound familiar?
And we treat our future self like she’ll magically figure it out.
We overcommit.
We procrastinate.
We overschedule.
Assuming she’ll somehow have more time, more energy, or more capacity than we do today.
Then we wonder why we don’t feel grounded.
Why we second-guess ourselves.
Why follow-through feels difficult.
This is not a discipline problem. It’s a relationship problem.
And often, rebuilding trust starts with learning how to lead yourself differently emotionally, not simply expecting more from yourself.
Self-trust is built by nurturing all three relationships.
Rebuilding Trust with Your Past Self
Your past self is not the problem. She was operating with the awareness, capacity, and tools she had at the time.
And spoiler alert: You have wisdom today that she didn’t have access to then.
It’s not fair to judge her for not knowing what you know now.
When we criticize our past selves, we create internal instability. But when we offer compassion, we create internal trust.
Think about how you respond to your child when they make a mistake:
You pause.
You try to understand.
You guide.
You offer grace.
When you make a mistake if your inner dialogue sounds like...
“What is wrong with you?”
“You should have known better.”
“You mess everything up.”
...then it may be time to redirect some of that compassion inward.
Self-trust begins when you stop treating yourself like a problem to solve. Practicing self-compassion can help us build trust internally by responding to ourselves with the same understanding we offer others.
Journal Prompts: Past Self
• What was I navigating during that season that I don’t fully acknowledge?
• What did I do well, even if the outcome wasn’t what I hoped?
• What did that version of me need that she didn’t have?
• What can I choose to forgive myself for today?
Supporting Your Current Self
Your current self is carrying a lot.
And she is often the one we are hardest on.
We expect her to be patient, productive, emotionally regulated, available, focused, and consistent all at once.
That isn’t leadership. That’s pressure.
Supporting your current self means asking different questions:
Who do I want to be in this moment?
How do I want to show up today?
How do I want to lead myself here?
Not demanding that you do better.
Choosing intentionally who you want to become.
Supporting your current self starts with recognizing that emotional leadership is not perfection. It’s learning to respond intentionally instead of react automatically.
Practical Ways to Support Your Future Self
Your future self is not a backup plan. She is not your cleanup crew.
She is not responsible for carrying everything your current self avoids.
Try this instead:
• Schedule fewer things than you think you should
• Build margin into your day
• Decide ahead of time what enough looks like
• Make decisions your future self will thank you for
Self-trust grows when your current self experiences:
“I can rely on myself.”
“I made this decision intentionally.”
“I trust future me because present me is supporting her.”
One simple way to strengthen self-trust is practicing small acts of support for your future self — similar to the idea behind a Self-Compassion Break, where present-you responds to struggle with care instead of pressure.
Becoming Someone You Can Count On
Your future self does not need more pressure. She needs support.
She needs you to protect her energy today and to make decisions that reduce overwhelm instead of creating more of it.
And in return?
She follows through.
She handles what needs to be handled.
She looks back at you with gratitude.
Every time you keep a promise to yourself, you send a message: “I’ve got you.”
And over time, trust becomes steadiness.
Journal Prompts: Future Self
• What would make my life easier one week from now?
• What is one small promise I can keep today?
• Where am I assuming future me will handle it?
• What would supporting her actually look like?
Self-Love Is Not Self-Judgment
We often say we want to love ourselves, but the way we speak to ourselves tells a different story.
We judge.
We shame.
We replay mistakes.
And then we add what’s often called the second arrow — a concept that describes the suffering we create after the difficult moment itself.
The first arrow is the event.
The missed deadline.
The reaction.
The mistake.
The second arrow is what comes afterward:
“I shouldn’t be like this.”
“Why do I always do this?”
“I need to get it together.”
Self-love and self-trust grow when we stop shooting the second arrow.
Instead:
“That didn’t go the way I wanted.”
“Let’s understand what happened.”
Curiosity instead of criticism.
Guidance instead of shame.
Support instead of pressure.
The New Standard
Self-trust is not built through perfection. It’s built through small moments of follow-through and through becoming someone you forgive.
Someone you support.
Someone you listen to.
Someone you show up for.
This is the work.
Not becoming more motivated.
Not becoming more disciplined.
Because when you trust yourself, everything else becomes easier.
Your decisions.
Your leadership.
Your parenting.
Your ability to handle hard moments.
Self-trust does not happen accidentally. It is built intentionally. One loving commitment at a time.
Ready to Build More Trust in Yourself?
If you’re tired of second-guessing yourself, carrying impossible expectations, or feeling like everyone else gets the best of you while you hold yourself to impossible standards, you do not have to keep doing it alone.
This work is about learning to lead yourself differently.
Explore how to work with Dr. Valerie Steele to build self-trust, emotional leadership, and a life that feels more aligned with who you are becoming.
Comments